Lately, I’ve found myself asking the same questions over and over again.
Why didn’t I make these changes years ago?
Why didn’t I start looking after myself sooner?
Why didn’t I make my health a priority?
My always was always the obvious. I’m a single mum raising three children while working full-time. I simply do not have the time, energy or resources to do anything differently. I’m surviving rather than living.
But while all of that’s true, it wasn’t the whole answer.
Looking back now, I think my lack of capacity was only part of the story.
I’ve realised there was something else quietly stopping me.
Me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve worried about what other people think. The fear of being labelled selfish, or a bad mum for seemingly putting myself before my children, hung over me. I worried that if I admitted I needed a break, or that my lifestyle was unsustainable, people would think I wasn’t coping.
I don’t think I ever consciously asked myself those questions, but they were there in the background, influencing so many of my decisions.
As a result, looking after myself always seemed to come with guilt.
If I spent money on myself…
If I took time for myself…
If I said no…
There was always that little voice asking whether other people would approve.
I think I confused selflessness with self-neglect.
The two aren’t the same.
The biggest surprise over the past few months has been discovering that the people I worried about judging me haven’t judged me at all. If anything, they’ve been pleased for me. They’ve commented that I seem happier. More relaxed. Brighter.
Nobody has said I spend too much time at the gym. Nobody has questioned me buying healthier food or taking better care of myself. Most people have simply been happy to see me looking happier. It’s made me realise that I was carrying around expectations that mostly existed in my own head.
I’m still learning to quiet that people-pleasing voice. It doesn’t disappear overnight after more than forty years. But every time I choose what’s right for me and my family instead of worrying what somebody else might think, it gets a little quieter.
