This photo is from about six months ago, when I had just become an ex-teacher and apparently had the glow and spark to prove it.
I remember looking at myself around that time and feeling different. Lighter, maybe. More like myself. I had more energy, more interest in how I looked and, most importantly, enough headspace to actually do something about it.
Somewhere over the past few weeks, that has slipped.
There hasn’t been one big moment where I decided to stop taking care of myself. It’s been much more boring than that.
Life got busy.
There has been some co-parenting drama – I won’t bore you with the details – but the result is basically that if I’m not working, I’m parenting. My spare time is currently fictional and, as tends to happen, the things that are solely for me were the first things to disappear.
And I’ve noticed.
Not because I’m sitting on social media wishing I looked like everybody else. I’m really not. I’m looking at myself and remembering how I felt six months ago. I want to look – and feel – like the best version of me again.
At the moment, I don’t.
So, operation get my spark back is underway.
My brows are booked for after work. My curly cut is in 19 days. I have booked an entire day off for it which feels wonderfully indulgent, and last night I cracked open a Biodance sheet mask like it was some sort of emergency intervention.
I’ve also decided to put my natural nails into rehab.
Partly because they’re damaged and need a break, but also because regular salon appointments currently require a level of reliable child-free time that no longer exists for me.
And yes, I’m a qualified nail tech, but no, that does not mean I enjoy doing my own nails. Doing both hands properly takes approximately forever and I apparently no longer have the patience I once expected other people to have while I did theirs.
But the goal is still, pretty, healthy nails. And apparently, with natural nails this requires patience.
Deeply inconvenient.
That said, this little collection of sheet masks, cuticle oil and attempts to remember what moisturiser is for represents something bigger than wanting to look nicer.
I miss taking care of myself.
When life becomes busy, it’s very easy for looking after yourself to start feeling optional. Something you’ll get around to once everybody else has what they need, the work is done, the house is under control and nobody has suddenly remembered they need something for school tomorrow morning.
Which means, obviously, you never quite get around to it.
I don’t want self-care to become another enormous project either. I’m not looking for a complete makeover, a twelve-step morning routine or a free weekend at a spa. Lovely though that would be. I need things that fit into the life I actually have.
So yes, I want the brows. I want the curls. I want ridiculously healthy natural nails and skin that looks like I’ve had more than six hours’ sleep.
But mostly, I want to feel like me again.
And given the current state of my diary, I’m going to have to do that ten minutes at a time.
